Deep
by Sean Gaffney
Summary: Shiori's journal entries as she and Juri tour Germany. Sequel to my previous Utena fic, Release.


Deep  
  
by Sean Gaffney  
  
Shoujo Kakumei Utena (C) 2002 Be-Papas. This takes place about two years after Episode 39 of the anime. It also follows a previous Utena fic of mine, Release.  
  
  
August 28th. Frankfurt.  
  
Well, here we are. Quite frankly, I wish we could have picked a better place to arrive, but this was cheaper. Neither of us are lacking for money, but we need to learn how to budget it.  
  
I was rather surprised at how much money I had saved. Juri was loaded, of course. Her family is wealthy to begin with, and she never left Ohtori the way I did. I had assumed that all of my savings were history after my two years away from the Academy and my parents. But I have enough. Enough to make this trip, even if Juri weren't coming along. I tried insisting that we each pay for ourselves, but Juri wouldn't hear of it. She said that sharing our money was something good friends would do.  
  
It still feels odd every time I think of it. Good friends. Best friends. It had been four years since we could call ourselves that, and I still have difficulty believing it. That after everything that happened, everything I did to destroy what we had between us, that it could somehow be salvageable.  
  
But there it is. And so much easier than I thought. Juri still seems to know exactly when I'm uncomfortable, and I always know when she's hiding something. Of course, I no longer try to guess what it is she's hiding. After all, I was as wrong as wrong could be the last time I did that. But in a way that's easier. I just wait it out, not saying anything, knowing that soon enough Juri will reveal whatever it is. She can't really hide anything from me anymore. The guilt becomes too much.  
  
Our train is here now. More later.  
  
***  
  
August 30. Stuttgart.  
  
Now this is what I imagined when I wanted to go travel across Europe. It's truly beautiful here. Even Juri managed to lose her mask of indifference when the train pulled near.  
  
I worry about that. I mean, I know it's a big part of her, the need to always be in control. It's not as if before our falling out Juri was a happy peppy cheerleader. But then the mask was a mask. It was a public face, but wasn't something I ever saw. I got the real Juri, the one who still had a spark of innocence and laughter. The one who really believed in miracles when I asked her to.  
  
Did I destroy that? Is that Juri gone forever, the result of a teenage girl's jealousy and selfishness? I wonder if she ever misses it?  
  
I asked her that once, and she said she didn't need to get it back, because I had enough for the both of us. It was a sweet thing to say, but didn't really make me feel any better.  
  
For years the two of us lived apart, but our entire lives revolved around each other. And now that we're together... I want to be separate a bit. I want there to be more Shiori in me, not Shiori and Juri. I think Juri would like that. Maybe it's a sign of self-worth.  
  
I'm starting to like myself again. How can I get Juri that far?  
  
***  
  
September 5. Muenchen.  
  
Or Munich. German place names always confuse me, especially when I try to write them out in Romanji. I thought it was Munich, but everything here says Muenchen. And apparently we're ending our German leg of the trip in Koeln, not Cologne. Whatever. The cities are still beautiful.  
  
We're arriving just in time to be leaving before Oktoberfest, the city's big festival. Juri seems to be glad of that. She's not very fond of large crowds. Personally, I can't imagine there being anymore people here for the festival than there are here now; the entire city is alive with preparations.  
  
I'm relaxing a lot more than I thought I would. Juri's fluent in French, so she's quite content to let me take the lead in doing things. We've been seeing a lot of the touristy places, like castles and gardens. Everything exactly as I pictured.  
  
There was an awkward moment last night. I had found a new skirt that I desperately wanted, and decided to splurge. I twirled around a bit, admiring the cut, and asked Juri how she thought I looked in it. I looked back into the mirror, and that's when I saw the look on her face.  
  
I haven't really been writing much here about... what she told me on our graduation day. That she loves me. I don't really know whether I'm able to process it yet, no matter what I might have told her. I've had someone love me before, of course. Him. But that was different. I was expecting that, I was making him love me. I knew he couldn't love me on his own. But Juri... Juri didn't have to love me. I wasn't forcing her to. At least not consciously.  
  
I guess, because it was Juri, I just assumed that her love was like in those romance novels. Or Shakespeare. Juri would make a wonderful Shakespearean heroine. Pining away, keeping her feelings locked deep in her soul. It was a pure, shining love. That's what I felt, I think, after Juri told me. The kind of love that went along with the innocent children we had been.  
  
When I saw Juri's face in that mirror... it was the first time that I realised Juri not only loved me, but desired me. Her eyes were on fire. It was a little like the look she got when she was fencing. A look that wanted to conquer me.  
  
Then I turned to face her, and it was gone. I'll grant Juri that, she's a fabulous actress. To even know she'd been feeling something else, you'd have to know her very well. Luckily I do. She said she thought it looked lovely. I thanked her and paid for the skirt, and we left.  
  
And now I'm sitting here writing this all down, while Juri sits on the bed and does her stretches. And I'll finish writing, and we'll get ready to turn in for the evening. And I'll lie in bed, and fall asleep, and will not think at all about Juri lying next to me raking my body with that look.  
  
***  
  
September 8. Nurnberg.  
  
There's something about this place that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's the architecture. It has an old gothic feel to it that seems a bit too much like Ohtori Academy to me.  
  
Still, I have lots to be grateful for. Last night was perhaps the happiest I've had in years. We found an old-style cabaret, and decided to attend it dressed to the nines. Juri tried to rent a tuxedo, but I was able to talk her out of it - yes, I know she looks good in a suit, but she looks even better in a form-fitting gown, and she should know that. I wore the skirt I got the other day with a nice low-cut blouse I'd had for years for formal events - though I wish I'd brought the formal gown we had for dances at Ohtori. Still, though Juri looked far more beautiful than I did, at least I wasn't embarrassed to be seen near her.  
  
I almost felt as if we'd travelled back in time when we arrived. There was apparently a band, complete with low-alto singer, somewhere through the smoke-filled haze, but the close quarters made everything indistinct. The club was certainly filled with people -- talking, dancing, drinking, and some things in the far corners I tried not to notice. It was wonderful.  
  
I led Juri over to the bar and got us both some drinks - I knew that Juri likely wouldn't find this as fascinating as I did, so I wanted to make her as comfortable as possible. She smiled and turned to face the crowd, trying to tune everything out. My eyes roamed around, taking in the band, who were valiantly trying to play some sort of punk music to a club that really seemed designed for smoky jazz.  
  
I must have been distracted, because I didn't notice the people asking Juri to dance until there had been about three of them. The third got my attention, as he was particularly vile - a fat, bloated man with greasy yellow hair and spaghetti stains on his tie. Juri was leaning back as far as she could, but the bar was in the way, and I could see her hands clenching and unclenching. Her utter contempt of him finally seemed to get through, though, and he waddled off to try elsewhere.  
  
I reached out to take Juri's arm, and she almost leapt three feet into the air. This was bad - I wanted to come here, yes, but not so it would do this to her. I smiled at her, and murmured that maybe it would have been a better idea to have worn the tux. She gave me a despairing look, which quickly turned venomous as yet another sleazy young man wandered up to us. He almost tripped over his feet as he quickly veered away.  
  
I suddenly had an idea, one that would hopefully solve this problem. Unfortunately, the solution might only serve to make Juri even more nervous.  
  
Juri and I hadn't discussed our confessions to each other since we left Ohtori. It was generally assumed that we were still taking everything in, and would open up when we were ready. Especially me. It's true. I haven't really been writing much about it here either, hoping, I guess, that if I ignore it it will... well, not go away, exactly, but become less threatening.  
  
But I'd been very careful. I hadn't given any sign of what I thought about Juri's feelings towards me. We were simply two best friends taking a year to travel across Europe. And I was trying to be the best 'best friend' that I could be.  
  
And that meant that I had to do this. I had to try to rescue Juri from all of these idiots.  
  
So I asked her to dance with me.  
  
If I was a cruel person... what am I saying? If I was *still* a cruel person, then I would have revelled in the look on Juri's face. I don't think I'd seen her face looked so anguished since I first returned to Ohtori three years ago. It reminded me how far we had to go... how we might be pretending to be best friends, but she could still so easily believe that I would be so deliberately nasty to her like that.  
  
I leaned over and whispered in her ear. Saying that being seen dancing with me would get rid of all the lechers, at least for a while, and that it would simply be the two of us enjoying the evening, dancing in a smoky German night-club late one September evening. It almost sounded like a novel.  
  
Now it was my turn to be tense. She had to know that I meant it. She had to realise that I wasn't baiting her, that I didn't mean anything by it. I know Juri so well... she has to know me that well, at least, right? She was supposed to love me, after all.  
  
Finally I saw her concentrate, and her muscles slowly started to relax. She smiled back at me, and said she would be delighted to dance with me. I must have lit up like a Christmas tree, because her smile got even wider when she saw my relieved reaction. We took hands and made our way out to the small dance floor in the centre of the crowded club.  
  
Juri wasn't quite sure what to do at first. Ohtori had been all about waltzes and four-piece string orchestras, and this band playing loud punk in 13/8 time made her unsure of how to move. She followed my lead, however, and certainly after a few minutes you'd never have known that she hadn't done this for years.  
  
I allowed myself a moment to just lose myself in the music and simply dance. I didn't need to worry about trying to behave properly, or say the right thing. I didn't have to worry about officious German officials or irritating Japanese embassies. There was just the beat, and my body moving to it. The smoke and lighting were such that I almost felt as if the world had turned black and white, and I was alone, with nothing but my own body to trip me up.  
  
Then I opened my eyes, just to check that Juri wasn't feeling neglected... and I saw that look again. Here, in the club, and with the music, it was even more intense. Juri Arisugawa, my best friend, wanted my body. She couldn't even hide it this time. She just stared at me with such intense longing that I wondered why she didn't simply burst into flames right there.  
  
And I reached out, and offered my hand to her. And she didn't hesitate, she took it.  
  
And then I was leading her again, showing her how to let go, to let the music move her. I was moving, but it wasn't simply me, it was us. It was a totally different kind of dancing, the two of us moving as one, each trying to anticipate the other and equal or surpass it. I didn't close my eyes, but I felt as if I could, that I didn't need to be looking at Juri to know exactly what it was she'd do next. But I kept my eyes open, because I wanted to be able to look at that face, and at the smile that was slowly getting larger and larger, until it was a grin that I knew matched my own.  
  
The rest of the night almost feels like one big blur. We danced, and when we finally got tired we sat and enjoyed the band that followed, who were far more in keeping with the atmosphere of the club, playing a blues-jazz fusion that made everything claustrophobic. We leaned across the table, talking to each other about the sights that we'd seen, and making fun of the breath of the one man who dared come near us after our performance. Then we got up and danced again, slower this time, and Juri even took me in her arms for one of them. I barely noticed, though I knew she did.  
  
And now we're back in our room, and I think I've been writing this for two hours now. Juri is asleep, but I still don't think I can. I just don't want this day to end. I'm here, in Europe, seeing sights and drinking in atmosphere, and my best friend is with me, and right now I don't think I've ever felt closer to her.  
  
***  
  
September 12. Berlin.  
  
Another big city, so once again Juri is feeling antsy. Next time we do this, I think I'll take her on a tour of the Black Forest, and we can go camping. I'm sure after a few days, she'd be clamouring for a nice warm bath in a hotel room.  
  
I shouldn't be writing things like that. We've had three nights in a row where we left late and arrived early, so I haven't really had any chance to sleep. Juri's just as bad... all silences and monosyllables. Luckily we're here for a week, so I'm hoping things can relax again and get back to the way they were that night.  
  
Aside from our lack of sleep, things *do* seem better... Juri and I talked to each other when we toured the cities, but this time we're listening to each other as well. And I've been increasing my casual contact with Juri. Taking her hand, grabbing her shoulder to point out an animal in the zoo. Not that I want to be all over her or anything, but I'm hoping that if she gets used to being more personal with me, it will help her open up even more. Sometimes I feel as if I'm doing all the work, but I suppose that's only fair, as it was me who did all the work in breaking us apart in the first place.  
  
I need to think about that. What am I going to do? I don't want to lose Juri. Not only is she my best friend, but she's pretty much my only close friend. I've known her since we were six years old, and it's not exaggerating to say that I just can't imagine a life without her. Even when I was away from Ohtori, I spent most of my days thinking about what I did to Juri, and hating myself for it.  
  
But I can't leave it like this. I can't simply blithely go about my days pretending that Juri wants nothing more than to have ice cream sundaes with me.  
  
I wish my memories of three years ago weren't so fractured. I remember little things, flashes of people and places. I remember meeting Juri again, and how painful it was. I remember joining the fencing team, and a couple of matches with her. And I remember losing my virginity in the back of a car to a gorgeous young man with blue hair whose face I cannot place now for the life of me. Which frankly makes me feel somewhat cheap. You'd think I'd be able to at least remember his name for something that important.  
  
So I at least know about sex. Probably more than Juri, I would expect. I wonder if I stripped naked and offered myself to her, if she'd know what to do with me.  
  
She'd probably figure it out pretty quickly.  
  
We can't talk about this yet. Not until I figure out how to deal with it. I want things to remain the same, but they can't. I can't just ask Juri to pine away for me forever. But I can't just give in to her either. Can I?  
  
Why am I even asking myself this?  
  
***  
  
September 21. Hannover.  
  
It's 4am, and I need to get up and write, because I don't think I dare go back to sleep. Not with Juri there next to me. Juri who I've always been able to fall asleep next to, relaxing completely knowing she was next to me. Juri who is utterly above reproach in every way.  
  
Juri, who came to me in my dream and seduced me, ravished me, and took me to new heights until I woke up in bed screaming in climax. I wasn't screaming her name, at least I hope not. But that doesn't make it any less humiliating. I told her it was a nightmare, but I don't think she bought it.  
  
So here I am writing about it, and likely sitting here until the sun comes up. Juri's in bed now, pretending to be asleep. I can hear her breathing, slow and even, a sure sign she's awake. God knows what she must be thinking. Probably imagining that I'm putting her through slow torture.  
  
I don't even know what I'm thinking. I've never imagined Juri like that before. I mean, I've seen her looking at me like that, but this is Juri. She'd just be too polite. And even if she did make love to me, it would be slow, and methodical, with feather-like touches. It wouldn't be the raw, animal rutting that I dreamed.  
  
Wonderful. Even in dreams I drag Juri down to my level.  
  
This is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I should not be doing this, should not be feeling like this. Juri and I are best friends, and I cherish that. We don't need it to be anything else. It's too dangerous, too much of a chance that I'd screw it up. I can't lose this again, I can't.  
  
I think of that man from my memories, the one who I first made love to. I'm trying harder and harder to remember anything about him. Was he a boyfriend? Did we love each other? Why didn't I ever see him again? Where was he when my memories returned? But the questions are just academic. He's merely a face above me, nameless and pointless. If I did love him, I don't anymore. No, instead I picture Juri above me, her hands on my flesh, her tongue intertwining with mine.  
  
Now it's starting to sound like a fantasy.  
  
I'm scared.  
  
I wanted to be closer to Juri, and I am. I'm so close to her now I'm coming out the other side, and I don't know how to stop myself. To lose her now would be to lose myself. But I can't tell her. I can't say it. She'd laugh in my face. I mean, for years I hated her, and now I'm offering her her dream come true? She's too cynical for that. There are days I see her looking at my face, and I know she's thinking why she's with me, what she did to deserve the two of us like this.  
  
Now I'm wondering the same thing. Is this my punishment? This torture and uncertainty? I've gone too far, I'm in too deep to back out now. All I can hope for is understanding, the same understanding I never gave Juri all those years ago.  
  
I want to cry. But she's there, pretending to sleep. So I don't. It just sit, and breathe, and wait for the sun to rise.  
  
***  
  
September 24. Bremen.  
  
She's gone.  
  
Last night I sat with her and told her everything, everything I'd been feeling since our graduation. All my hopes, and dreams. The night at the club in Nurnberg. My dreams of her. I told her that I was confused, and didn't know what to do.  
  
I told her that I thought I was falling in love with her.  
  
She was so nice. She hugged me, and told me it would be all right. She thanked me for telling her, saying that we weren't repeating the same mistakes of the past. Thanking me for being so honest with my feelings. We would get a good night's sleep, and we would talk in the morning about how things stood now and what we should do.  
  
And then I woke up about 4:30, and found the bed empty, and a note on the dresser.  
  
The note is so Juri, of course. She seems to think that her presence is infecting me, that her love for me is somehow bleeding into my body every night. She couldn't possibly imagine that I might decide to love her because I wanted to. No, it all has to be about her.  
  
Even after all these years, Shiori comes second. Everything is always Juri.  
  
So she's leaving, buying another ticket and going a different route. It's best for both of us. I was right, she said, we couldn't go on like this.  
  
Coward.  
  
I don't know what to do now. I can't just take off after her. I don't have enough money, and I don't know where she went. I guess I continue on my journey, trusting that Juri still has our schedule, and would know where I would be. Hope that somehow she might realise what was going on, and meet me.  
  
I kept thinking that I was too happy, and now I'm miserable. I kept wondering how Juri felt when I left her all those years ago, and now I know, right down to the impassionate note. And I kept wondering why Juri continued to love me, after everything I did, every mistake I made.  
  
And now I know. Once you start loving someone, it's almost impossible to stop. You can't just erase all those feelings. You just watch them turn into hurt, and pain, and sorrow.  
  
It's what I deserve, I know. But I don't care. I want to be selfish. I want her back.  
  
  
END 


End file.
